Sugary Sweet

I feel really irritated even though it's not legitimate. I'm mad that I wasted so much time on liking Katie, but I guess it's over, so it doesn't matter.

I had to change my clothes twice last night because I woke up drenched in sweat. Ugh.

I want to go back to Oberlin..

I am so freaked out about so many things. Here is where I unload them:

First of all, I came out to stay with the grandparents last Friday for (presumably) the weekend. On Saturday, my back started hurting me a lot. On Sunday, I woke up and puked. And puked. And PUKED seven times. I couldn't even keep water down, it was ridiculous. I still have a little bit of a temperature, but I'm feeling much better. Unfortunately, I had to spend New Years in bed, without Rissa or Lisa or anyone. It sucked really hard.

Am I going to study abroad next year? Ugh, I just don't know. Part of me is saying not to, because I have so many requirements to fulfill for the double major, and also because I don't want to be away from Dylan. And then the other part of me is like, you idiot, go enrich yourself. Hell if I know...

I NEED TO GET A NEW CAR. HOLY GOD BEING DRAGGED AROUND BY MY FAMILY SUCKS.

I need to start my winter term, but it's not that big of a deal, I guess...

I've been a little weirded out about things with Dylan lately. I am seriously in love with him, and it's extremely threatening. I think about him constantly, I fantasize about romantic vacations and weddings and babies. It's damn close to absurd. The problem is (as it has always been) that I will do anything for love...and I don't think that's necessarily the case with Dylan. He's so goal oriented, and somehow I feel like he's been trying to make it clear to me that his aspirations trump our relationship. Which I guess is okay, at least at this point, but it makes me worrisome and clingy. I hate it.

BAH. I need to do things.

Finals always instills in me the same feeling of unendingness, such heavy work for so long. But all I have left is my portfolio, and then a few finishing details. I feel like I'm going to get a 'B' in Comics & Animation, and if this is actually the case, I'll be kind of disappointed. I'd like an 'A' in satire, which I think I will get...probably.

Finally got IAMX's 'The Alternative', thank God.

I've had some discussions with Nic as of late that have left me feeling both glad and confused. At the very least, I'm glad that we're still close. It's funny who ends up lasting, I guess. We've been bound together in a really strange way.

I've survived my first day as a twenty-something, no more a teenager. It's pretty much the same, except I feel less silly and more accountable. That's not really a great thing in the grand scope, but it's also different, and I suppose that I've always been the 'little adult' anyway. I bought a ticket to NYC for January term.

Dylan made me pancakes in bed yesterday morning, and then he and I went with Kat, Julia, Annie, Kyle, Adrienne and Elias to Agave for dinner. The girls made me one of their special cakes, bearing the likeness of Jenna Jameson's tits. Beautiful.

Work time.

I'm sitting in the library cafe, writing here because I'm a huge procrastinator...

Satire final down, comics and creative writing to go. I'm actually not that stressed out. Just sick of this.

I've been feeling unsettled lately. Ambivalent. I think it's because I'm instinctively afraid of being happy. Happy just means that I'm going to fall from a greater height.

Maybe it's something else. I don't know.

I've been feeling strange and unsettled. Like I want to run away and do something different. But that's not what I really want, anyway, so I'll just have to be docile I guess.

I love Dylan and this scares me a lot. I don't know if it's very healthy to get attached to people much at college, everything is so fucking volatile. I feel like I'd be stupid if I didn't learn my lesson from Nic. But despite myself, Dylan is everything good. I don't want to rely on anything anymore I guess. I don't believe in too much.

Sam and I got so high tonight. Finals week. I suck.

I have to finish reading Absurdistan, Runaways, and 32 Stories. I have to do my satire presentation. I have to finish writing my Oberlin satire story, then make it even more absurd, then edit it. I have to finish my Lola of the Lake comic. I have to revamp and revise lots of my creative writing stuff, then build my portfolio. I have to turn in my winter term form. I have to pay my phone bill and buy a ticket to NYC for January. I have to get my birth certificate, and then a passport. I have to apply for SIT next fall (I have to decide what program). I have to declare my major. I have to apply to workshop classes for the Spring. I have to finish up my treasurer job.

I think that's everything, so it's not that bad I suppose.

Things have been good. Life is very boring when everything goes your way, I guess, but I don't think that I'd prefer anything else.

I love Dylan so much that it scares me. I don't know how I'm going to deal with being apart for all of winter term :( He took me for hot chocolate yesterday, and a little walk around campus in the newly-fallen snow. I'm pretty sure that this is the boy that I've been waiting for. I'm pretty sure that this is everything I could possibly ask for...fulfillment is bizarre.

The Harkness party was fun, despite all the problems. It made me have faith in Harkness again, go communism.

I have three huge, very very threatening finals. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it...with Adderall.

Dylan makes me so fucking happy.

I'm getting better slowly. And I get my meds back today, yay.

Julia and I made up. I feel better about me vs people in general the past couple days.

And of course, Dylan makes everything wonderful. Always.

I can't fucking do this. I really, really can't take it.

And then I tell him I love him and he doesn't say it back. Again.

I should go back on my meds. I haven't been really depressed, but I've become really mean and cynical, the way I was in high school. Fuck that. I'm not really into people hating me, and I'm not really into finding every nit picky thing wrong with people either.

I came to the realization the other day that I need to do whatever I can to do better in school. I want so badly to succeed. So now all I do is sit in my room and read, nothing else. I just want soooooo fucking badly to do well, to stand out, to prove that I'm not just an unmotivated floater. A lot of this has come out of dating Dylan...he's not an overachiever, per se, he's just a massive achiever. He's so ambitious and it makes me want to do more for myself...he's headed in such a bright direction, it's like he can do anything he sets his mind to. He told me once that he was going to be the best at whatever he did. I want to be like that. So badly.

At the same time, sometimes it just makes me feel inferior, but I guess in a good way, if that makes any sense.

I love him, a lot. I wake up every day feeling like the luckiest girl in the world because he's so wonderful, and he thinks I am, too.

Today I am doing things that I've been wanting to do but put off for whatever reason. This blog is one of those things- I want to get back into the swing of regularly updating. It keeps me centered, and I like to keep my own little record of my life.

I'm really surprised by this semester, considering how nervous I was about it before school started. My classes have been great- what I like to think of as the Oberlin prospective student's dream- a creative writing workshop that is not only helping me by leaps and bounds but I also love, a comics and animation class which is not only ridiculously interesting and engaging but also in the cinema department, and an English class that focuses entirely on different kinds (archaic and modern- think 'Borat') of satire. Granted it's only 12 hours of credit, but I have a lot of transfer credits from high school, and I definitely needed a lot of time to adjust this semester. I was afraid my job would take up the time slot of a fourth class, but in actuality, I take so many classes that focus solely on reading that work has actually helped me get it done (it's all I do when I'm there, really). AND I REALLY NEED THE MONEY. OSCA is also pretty demanding of time, but I'm amazed by how worth it it is. I can't imagine living in a traditional dorm ever again. I love the feeling of comradery in Harkness, I like being forced to eat healthy, and I like that it makes me feel more engaged. I always feel like the person who's left out or not participating, and it's something I have to work on, but Harkness has helped me with it. On the flip side, there's a lot of ridiculous drama that goes on as a result of being allowed to make our own policies, but it's just a trade off I guess.

I've stopped taking Prozac, and the adjustment has been really odd. I've yet to get really depressed, but I'm often taken off-guard when I feel randomly sad or am even able to react with sadness. I also sometimes have random crying jags. These things haven't been too intolerable though, so if I can stay this way, I'm going to try and stay off of anti-depressants. It's just not something I want to have to depend on.

The one year anniversary of my mother's death has come and gone. I reflect on her and my sadness at her death a lot more since I've gotten off anti-depressants. On one hand, this has made me realize that I probably couldn't have made it through the past year (ESPECIALLY IN SCHOOL) without the meds. On the other, it makes me glad that things have worked out this way. I feel like I've healed a lot, and now I can deal with her death in a healthy way. Still, a lot of times I just miss my mom. A lot of times I get really bitter that it had to be me- that I had to lose so much, of all people. But things happen to everyone. And I still think that everything happens for a reason.

The Family hasn't been as cohesive this year as it was last, but it still exists. The only weird thing is that Kyle and Julia aren't speaking because Kyle started dating Sam. I don't approve of this, but to each their own. I'm still good friends with everyone and that's all that matters to me. Julia and I have been especially close because we live so close, and Kat and me too, but otherwise I think I've been maintaining things alright. I do wish that I was trying harder to make more friends in the house/oberlin in general, though. I always feel like I'm so unfriendly, but I guess it's just a part of my nature. I don't know, everyone has something about themselves like that I guess.

Nic and I have finally stopped seeing each other in the fucked up pseudo-romantic way we were, and that's definitely for the best. I always cared a lot more for him than he did for me, and it always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. The truth is, we just weren't good for eachother outside of sex. I needed a lot of support when I was with him, and it wasn't that kind of a relationship. Even when we kept hooking up, even though I knew it wasn't anything more than that, I kept doing it because I wanted to know that there would be someone there for me. We're really good friends now, and it's been the best way for things to work out, I think. We just both like to party hard and there's not much else we have in common.

Now getting to the best part...a lot of the reason why I've been able to emotionally detach myself from Nic (which sounds kind of weak but I know it's just how I function) is because I've found someone truly amazing. My new boyfriend, who I've been seeing for about three weeks, is everything I've been looking for in a relationship...and he just landed right in my lap. I feel so fucking lucky to have him. He's friendly, incredibly smart, ambitious, involved, caring, everything good I can imagine. He treats me better than any boy has, ever. He respects me as a person, and more than that, he genuinely thinks I'm...well, cool, or something. I was really scared in the beginning of becoming really invested in him, because it all seemed too good to be true, but everything just seems to get better. I don't think I've ever been with someone where I felt so free and happy, it's amazing, and it's done a lot for my self esteem as well as general demeanor. I am astounded that I am actually healthily involved with someone, dumbfounded. I want to say that I hope this lasts, but I can't even foresee anything going wrong (fuck if I've jinxed myself), so I'll just say that I am satisfied and happy. Really. My fears persist sometimes, but we seem to be able to take things as they come. I don't ever want to be away from him, and assuming that we're still together, I'll be interested to see what happens come winter break. His one week absence during fall break nearly drove me insane.

Yesterday was Halloween, but we didn't really do anything. Kyle and Annie came over and we drank, and I got really silly drunk and flashed my crotch at everyone all night. When I do things like that I'm always worried that people will think I'm insane/vain/annoying...I was thinking about it and I realized that I'm kind of worried about how people perceive me. Being off anti-depressants has definitely made me go back to being really bitter about stupid stuff a lot. I don't want to go back to high school, and I REALLY don't want people to keep thinking I'm mean/aggressive/condescending. I'm trying.

Always trying.

Haven't heard from Alyvia in months. I still think about her a lot, though. I don't mind if she exists my life at this point, that's up to her discretion, but I've been reflecting a lot on her impact on me. It goes so deep, and I don't see it becoming any less important. Ever. My next tattoo is going to be for her- she's one of those really important people in my life. That is, when I have money to get another tattoo.

Money has been such an issue lately, from paying for things to planning out my winter term project (which I desperately want to get out of the country for). It's been making me feel really weird about Oberlin, too, and the kind of wealth a lot of the people who go here have. It's been good for me, though, because it's something that's been coming out a lot in my creative writing and the way I've been thinking about things from a critical angle. I'm thinking about taking on a serious project that addresses my experience with this subject- specifically, trying to think about how I can morph it into a winter term project, because I feel passionate about it. My first idea was to go to a really poor, urban part of London and trying to enmesh myself in that culture so I can have a strong perspective in some creative writing pieces I've been thinking about writing. The problem there, though, is that that's probably a pretty dangerous thing to do for a young American girl, and I'm not confident that I'd be able to really get involved with people at that level. So I'm trying to think up something similar, but those are just thoughts.

I'm excited about life at the moment.

I'm pretty sure I can only really hate someone if I'm also kind of attracted to them. It's odd.

Saw Kunkel tonight, with Kat, which was strangely pleasing. We had a few drinks. We smoked some. Saw Nic, too, also nice. Everything is very cheerful. Very bright.

It's not that I don't want to find someone anymore, I'm just so satisfied with my friends now that it's almost enough. Weird.

Her wrists, her ankles...

I cannot stop smoking, therefore my lungs cannot heal.

I'm an addict.

I have many reasons to fear.

I have exceedingly low self control.

I feel really unhappy. It's not really unhappy though. I guess I'm just lonely.

I want my hurts to go away. I want to feel like a worthwhile person. I want to feel.

Please

I feel really stupid. I wish I had the sort of wisdom normal people do, you know, the kind that tells you to live by rational rules. I always try to walk into something before I've thought about it, I guess.

Conversely, I realize that I am just feeling sort of lonely. This occured to me when Kalan held my hand in the hallway this evening, and despite the fact that he extremely off putting, I found an immense pleasure in it. Hand to hand.

I have no idea how to deal with myself. It's going to be a real challenge.

What can I say?